On Fragility and Anonymity

Last night, watching my husband stand up to put a DVD into the player, I had one of those odd moments where I feel somehow detached from the immediate present and float out into some sort of external view of things. So at the same time as seeing the vitality of him, his beautiful physique, his obvious strength, I was struck by his terrible fragility - at how easily even a strong, healthy body like his can so easily be broken or break down. How very precarious life is.

And I was once again aware of how tiny, in the greater scheme of things, a single human life is. Here is this person, precious beyond belief to me, and significant in his way to us, his family and friends, to those he works with and to those who seek his advice. But we too, are small unknowns, and once he's gone, his memory is unlikely to last much beyond a name and maybe a few small anecdotes after a few generations.

It seems more than a little sad.

I understand the almost frenzied efforts of many for just a little fame. It does seem hard to live with the idea of a life hard-lived, with so much effort and care and struggle and achievement, vanishing from consciousness so quickly.

But as I think back to the tiny percentage of humans whose names are attached to achievements great enough to keep them in human consciousness for some time I see how the their significance is built on the unseen lives and actions of so many, many others. Shakespeare would not be known today if there were no-one then who loved his work enough to perform it and watch it, and if there were no-one in our age to love his work enough to continue to read it, publish it and perform it, or even just to talk about him. Even underneath that one has to see the role of his parents, even if just biologically, friends who supported him, the builders who built the homes where he lived and the theatres where his plays were performed. The list is endless. Some of those were significant enough in his life that without their contribution Shakespeare would have drifted into anonymity, as most of us do.

And so the whole of humanity takes on the form of a live organism with all the cells and organs working together. Occasionally their combined actions, historical and contemporary, reach some kind of critical mass that produces someone who benefits enough to produce something that launches them into either fame or notoriety.

There is potentially no insignificance in the lives of any of us. Insignificance is not the same as anonymity. And there is a enough of a difference between the two to make it worth the struggle to live a life well.

Dusty, Wicked Witches and Doxa

Doxa: "Glory":

 (doxa from dokeo = to think) in simple terms means to give a proper opinion or estimate of something and thus the glory of God expresses all that He is in His Being and in His nature, character, power and acts. He is glorified when He is allowed to be seen as He really is. To be where God is will be glory. To be what God intended will be glory. To do what God purposed will be glory.

Charles Ryrie says that the glory of God...

is the manifestation of any or all of His attributes. In other words, it is the displaying of God to the world. Thus, things which glorify God are things which show the characteristics of His being to the world."

 from http://www.preceptaustin.org/romans_818-39.htm

Last Sunday our conversation at church evolved into a discussion on God's glory. We discussed how so often we make our faith about us: God's plans for us, God's promises to us, our purpose in the kingdom. Our friend who initiated the conversational drift read this scripture to us: Jeremiah 9:23 and 24:

"23  Thus says the Lord: Let not the wise andskillful person glory and boast in his wisdom and skill; let not the mighty and powerful person glory and boast in his strength andpower; let not the person who is rich [in physical gratification and earthly wealth] glory and boast in his [temporal satisfactions and earthly] riches;24  But let him who glories glory in this: that he understands and knows Me [personally and practically, directly discerning and recognizing My character], that I am the Lord, Who practices loving-kindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight, says the Lord." (Amp version)

It was a mind-set change in a way, but I realised this weekend how it cuts both ways. As I had begun to understand it last weekend it had been about not taking God's glory for ourselves, but rather about being willing to be channels for or reflections of God's glory; about trusting Him to do things the way they are designed to be done; about not rushing the process because of our own needs for significance, recognition or desire for fulfilment of purpose.

The other side of the story is this: when we see ourselves as too important in the equation, as makers of glory, rather than reflectors or channels, our failures and mistakes become almost paralysing. We become people of fear and shame, risk-avoidant and secretive of error. God on the other hand seems to be quite comfortable with our failings. Psalm 103 is just such a beautiful expression of his attitude towards us. Verse 14 in particular speaks to me so often when I am in a place of deep shame about my inner attitudes or outer actions - "...He remembers that we are dust". Wonderful.

This week I have been struggling a little with my attitude towards the kids when they are not quite getting things right. My inner wicked witch has emerged more than once, leaving me very diasppointed in myself. How will my kids ever find the relationship with God that has so enriched my life when I (who they know relates to Him) am such a poor image of who I tell them He is? God, it appears has not as many worries about that as me. He chooses to use fallen, faulty, dusty humanity to reflect Himself to the earth. I can't begin to understand His thinking, to be honest, but I begin to realise how great God must be, if even the small flashes of glory we manage to reflect in our broken state are enough to make a difference, to bring about the alleviation of the groaning and pain and travail of the earth. (see Romans 8)

Self, Emotion and Products

Today has been a difficult day - a wrestling with inner demons day. I suspect we all have them. We just don't often talk about them.
Things have been going well since my psychiatrist visit. I have been maintaining a pretty good sleep schedule and have a bit of a morning routine going (wake up; make tea and go out into the garden with it, my meds and an apple/orange; check up on the seedlings/ new plants and do a bit of watering if necessary; then come in and begin with the chores of the day). It has meant that I start each day with a bit of peace, which has been very good for me.
Today it didn't take too long for the peace to depart and it was something fairly simple that did it. After dropping Seth at school I called past the P.O. Boxes to collect my post. One of the items was a marked assignment from one of the courses for which I am about to write exams. I was gutted to find I had only been awarded a 50% mark. I was surprised too - at my worst I am a 70%er, and usually an "A" student. I haven't received a mark this low for anything since my earlier Veterinary Science days, and even then, I'm not sure I ever did. I tried to be stoic about it, but the inner seething soon began, and I found myself unable to resist a "post-mortem" of the assignment.
Then the seething really began, because I could not find out where I had gone wrong. It seems as if there are two possibilities. 1) whoever marked my assignment did a pretty shoddy job -  there are one or two indicators that there may be an element of this. 2) I have missed something really big, and am thus not as good a student as I thought - particularly because I don't understand how I could have done things very much differently.
Neither of these options makes me feel comfortable. The second option leaves me in doubt of my intellectual capabilities - something that I feel I can rely on in myself - an aspect of me that has always given me validity. The first places me in a position which is one I possibly dread even more than being seen to be stupid - being in a place of conflict.
All day I have battled with what seems like an over-exaggerated degree of anxiety and discomfort. I feel, if I'm honest, that I have been a victim of injustice. (I have stored that feeling in my "empathy" memory bank). At the same time there has been this worry that I may be powerless in the situation (another unpleasant sensation for that memory bank). I am not sure if the University will remark the assignment. If they don't I will just have to bite the bullet and go into my exam with a pretty pathetic year mark (this assignment counts 30% towards my final course result) - and so I have the concern that I'll have a pretty bad looking mark at the end of all this work, even if I do well in the exam. Then there's the worry about whether I will do well or not. If I could produce SUCH a bad result when I thought I understood the work, do I really uderstand the work?
But underneath these superficial emotions lies something deeper. I realise I'm taking this very personally. For me, this marker hasn't just given my work a low mark, he's given me a low mark. I feel despised. I feel rejected. I cannot seem to accept that this man didn't like my work. To me it feels as though he didn't like me. I still don't know why he rejected my work, but what I do know is that he has never met me, and so his rejection cannot possibly be of me. Even if there are some underlying issues on his side that have caused him to be harsh on my efforts due to my demographic, name, home language (or whatever), the fact remains that he does not know me, and so cannot have rejected me. But still I feel so very personally hurt.
I am reminded of something that stood out to me when reading Hettie Britz's book on children's temperament types (Growing kids With Character). In the chapter where she describes the "Lollipop Trees" (melancholic temperament type) she makes a statement that goes something like "I am my emotions and I am  my product". I remember relating so strongly to that. If you dismiss my emotions or reject my products, you're as good as rejecting me.
It may be temperamentally in my wiring, but as I see it written here, I can see how blatant a lie it is.
I am NOT my product. The idea that I am gives me no room to make mistakes, and because of this leaves me fearful of any form of risk or new venture. I am afraid to try, because failure is tantamount to destruction of myself. In the same way I am NOT my emotions. There are ways I respond that may make others uncomfortable (for various reasons). If that happens that does not invalidate me. I remain myself, even if my emotions are unrecognised, or invalidated.
There is in me a tremendously deep insecurity. I have a deep need to be liked by others, and as a result have a very thin skin. In conversation with an acquaintance last weekend (who happens to be something of an expert on the 36 Strengthsfinder Strengths) I had that point driven home again. He had been observing me interacting - we were at a childrens' party, and said to me that he felt that "Harmony" was a driving strength in my life. What he meant by that is that my need to maintain harmony, to not rock the boat, to have others like me, coloured the majority of my decisions. Harmony can be a great strength - it's wonderful when it comes to getting people to work well together and to get on (something I do well - I'm like oil in an engine). But it has this flip-side, and couple that with what my psychiatrist calls a "rejection-complex" you have a pretty "stuck" human being.
A line in my Social Work notes jumped out at me, as I reviewed them today. In a section on self-observation, when discussing aspects of oneself that one might encounter and find painful, this is listed as one of the aspects: "You may...learn that...you have unmet childhood needs for acceptance and approval that lead you to avoid confrontation or withdraw from conflict". As I read this I could feel the pure recognition stirring. That was me - completely.
And yet that is NOT me. I have a future that involves making mistakes and learning from them and doing what I need to do whether or not others like it. I HAVE to move forward. I HAVE to have the courage to step out into the "Yeses" I have said.
I may need to seek help about this, but however I achieve it I need to get to the place where I KNOW myself as God knows me, apart from my emotions, and apart form my products.