Self, Emotion and Products

Today has been a difficult day - a wrestling with inner demons day. I suspect we all have them. We just don't often talk about them.
Things have been going well since my psychiatrist visit. I have been maintaining a pretty good sleep schedule and have a bit of a morning routine going (wake up; make tea and go out into the garden with it, my meds and an apple/orange; check up on the seedlings/ new plants and do a bit of watering if necessary; then come in and begin with the chores of the day). It has meant that I start each day with a bit of peace, which has been very good for me.
Today it didn't take too long for the peace to depart and it was something fairly simple that did it. After dropping Seth at school I called past the P.O. Boxes to collect my post. One of the items was a marked assignment from one of the courses for which I am about to write exams. I was gutted to find I had only been awarded a 50% mark. I was surprised too - at my worst I am a 70%er, and usually an "A" student. I haven't received a mark this low for anything since my earlier Veterinary Science days, and even then, I'm not sure I ever did. I tried to be stoic about it, but the inner seething soon began, and I found myself unable to resist a "post-mortem" of the assignment.
Then the seething really began, because I could not find out where I had gone wrong. It seems as if there are two possibilities. 1) whoever marked my assignment did a pretty shoddy job -  there are one or two indicators that there may be an element of this. 2) I have missed something really big, and am thus not as good a student as I thought - particularly because I don't understand how I could have done things very much differently.
Neither of these options makes me feel comfortable. The second option leaves me in doubt of my intellectual capabilities - something that I feel I can rely on in myself - an aspect of me that has always given me validity. The first places me in a position which is one I possibly dread even more than being seen to be stupid - being in a place of conflict.
All day I have battled with what seems like an over-exaggerated degree of anxiety and discomfort. I feel, if I'm honest, that I have been a victim of injustice. (I have stored that feeling in my "empathy" memory bank). At the same time there has been this worry that I may be powerless in the situation (another unpleasant sensation for that memory bank). I am not sure if the University will remark the assignment. If they don't I will just have to bite the bullet and go into my exam with a pretty pathetic year mark (this assignment counts 30% towards my final course result) - and so I have the concern that I'll have a pretty bad looking mark at the end of all this work, even if I do well in the exam. Then there's the worry about whether I will do well or not. If I could produce SUCH a bad result when I thought I understood the work, do I really uderstand the work?
But underneath these superficial emotions lies something deeper. I realise I'm taking this very personally. For me, this marker hasn't just given my work a low mark, he's given me a low mark. I feel despised. I feel rejected. I cannot seem to accept that this man didn't like my work. To me it feels as though he didn't like me. I still don't know why he rejected my work, but what I do know is that he has never met me, and so his rejection cannot possibly be of me. Even if there are some underlying issues on his side that have caused him to be harsh on my efforts due to my demographic, name, home language (or whatever), the fact remains that he does not know me, and so cannot have rejected me. But still I feel so very personally hurt.
I am reminded of something that stood out to me when reading Hettie Britz's book on children's temperament types (Growing kids With Character). In the chapter where she describes the "Lollipop Trees" (melancholic temperament type) she makes a statement that goes something like "I am my emotions and I am  my product". I remember relating so strongly to that. If you dismiss my emotions or reject my products, you're as good as rejecting me.
It may be temperamentally in my wiring, but as I see it written here, I can see how blatant a lie it is.
I am NOT my product. The idea that I am gives me no room to make mistakes, and because of this leaves me fearful of any form of risk or new venture. I am afraid to try, because failure is tantamount to destruction of myself. In the same way I am NOT my emotions. There are ways I respond that may make others uncomfortable (for various reasons). If that happens that does not invalidate me. I remain myself, even if my emotions are unrecognised, or invalidated.
There is in me a tremendously deep insecurity. I have a deep need to be liked by others, and as a result have a very thin skin. In conversation with an acquaintance last weekend (who happens to be something of an expert on the 36 Strengthsfinder Strengths) I had that point driven home again. He had been observing me interacting - we were at a childrens' party, and said to me that he felt that "Harmony" was a driving strength in my life. What he meant by that is that my need to maintain harmony, to not rock the boat, to have others like me, coloured the majority of my decisions. Harmony can be a great strength - it's wonderful when it comes to getting people to work well together and to get on (something I do well - I'm like oil in an engine). But it has this flip-side, and couple that with what my psychiatrist calls a "rejection-complex" you have a pretty "stuck" human being.
A line in my Social Work notes jumped out at me, as I reviewed them today. In a section on self-observation, when discussing aspects of oneself that one might encounter and find painful, this is listed as one of the aspects: "You may...learn that...you have unmet childhood needs for acceptance and approval that lead you to avoid confrontation or withdraw from conflict". As I read this I could feel the pure recognition stirring. That was me - completely.
And yet that is NOT me. I have a future that involves making mistakes and learning from them and doing what I need to do whether or not others like it. I HAVE to move forward. I HAVE to have the courage to step out into the "Yeses" I have said.
I may need to seek help about this, but however I achieve it I need to get to the place where I KNOW myself as God knows me, apart from my emotions, and apart form my products.