Solitude II

I have transposed the post below from my other blog, where I published it on the 10th of August (a mere 6 weeks ago, but in some aspects almost a lifetime ago. The period of solitude I alluded to in this post triggered (amongst other things) a cascade of positional shifts that led to the beginning of this blog. As I write today I face another two weeks of solitude as Adi flies to Brazil for a week, and then Cape Town. At the same time I stand on the edge of more life-changes. Once again I wonder whether the timing is merely co-incidental or if God is needing me alone for a little while to do some more of his work on me.

Published on 10 August 2011:

Solitude

(Alternative Title: Sometimes You Don't Recognise It Until It Jumps Up And Bites You On The Backside)

We have a close friend who every now and then takes a Sunday off and vanishes to a lonely quiet place to seek solitude, regroup, think about things that are on his mind.

I have had such a problem with that. My problem's called envy!
Although I am an extrovert, and am energised by interactions with people for the most part, there are definitely times when I find myself absolutely CRAVING time out from others and time to be alone. I find this often happens when God is pushing something up from deep down in the murky depths inside me - when things are stirring but I haven't actually been able to put enough of a finger on the activity to be able to label or define what's going on. I feel a restlessness building up, and with it this urgency to make some time for myself so I can get with God, or with my heart, or whatever I need to do, and process everything in peace. (Adrian knows it's happening because I start to get tetchy and irritable and give him a bit of the cold shoulder - poor long-suffering man.)
This has been happening over the last three weeks again. God pulled up and rekindled and old (but VERY significant) dream of mine - pulled it up further than it's ever been before (to the point that I actually voiced it for the first time to a few people other than my husband). The problem was once it was up and out there and all nicely exposed I didn't know what to do with it. I went through a horrendous couple of weeks (the closest I've been to slipping into depression for a long while) wrestling with this whole issue: Was it time to pursue the dream? Should I push it? Why was God raising it all up again in me? Should I do something? Why was I getting no direction from God on the matter at all? I began discussing my dilemmas with a few people including Adi and some of the peeps from church. Separately, without any mutual discussion, Adi and another person both came to me and said that they felt that God wanted me to lay the dream down. Well, that was the last straw - here God had bubbled it all up, and now I just had to squish it all down again. It was all very Abraham and Isaac and I was somewhat devastated, pretty confused, and completely surrounded by kids, business and stuff to do - the domestic zoo in all it's glory. I could feel myself spiralling down andwith all the stressing came that intense craving for solitude - some time to get alone with God, to do the Jesus-thing and go spend time on the mountain in prayer.
Ha, ha, ha - couldn't see it happening in my world!
ANY homeschooling/unschooling Mom of 4 will tell you that alone-time just ain't an option. There are so many wonderful aspects of the path I've chosen - closeness with my kids, strength of relationships within the family - but they come at the price of privacy. I am almost never alone. There are always kids here: mine, other people's, and where I go they go too (when they're under four that even includes the bathroom). There are times when they'll all be occupied doing various things, and I'll get some time to myself - but they tend to be unpredictable, and generally just as I'm getting into some or the other lovely groove there'll be a sibling spat I'm required to umpire or a "mortal" wound needing kissing, or a show or demonstration or exhibition which I must attend immediately. Sometimes I feel quite overwhelmingly desperate!
I was having a moan to God about it a few days ago. Not only was all this happening, to top it all, I could see no chance for me to even leave the kids with Adi for a day so I could go off somewhere because he was going to be away...
And plop, suddenly into my spirit dropped the answer. Adi is going to be away. There's the space I need.
My problem is: I love my husband. He's gorgeous and fascinating and does such interesting things every day that we LOVE to talk about. So while I've been thinking that the kids are my great barrier to solitude, if I'm honest, (because I'm a night owl, it's in the evenings that my best processing is done) it's Adi who fills that time. And so God graciously arranges these trips so that he's away for a week or so at just the time I need my processing space. If I look back over the last year or so, where there were major trips he took those times were times of significant  break-through for me.
How could I not have seen what was staring me right in the face?
It just didn't look like what I was looking for, even though it was exactly what I was looking for.
I wonder how many other things I miss because I think I know what they look like?